Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Random Thoughts on "Random Thoughts by Damon Young of Very Smart Brothas"

Okay, I thought the title was cute but this is not a random thought at all.
So a few days ago I wrote a blog post that referenced a video posted by Matthew Hussey on You Tube Who Should Pay on a First Date, Matthew Hussey? It was a reflection on my thoughts on chivalry and the notion supported and encouraged by so-called dating experts like Matthew Hussey.
I, as you may or may not know, am a woman trying to tell any interested party how ladies like to be treated. 

But as what often happens, I got a response to my questions on this topic and I hadn't even voiced them. Two days after I posted the Matthew Hussey article,  I picked up the September 2016 issue of Ebony magazine and read a column. It was written by an awesome gentleman by the name of Damon Young of Very Smart Brothas. Mr. Young, turns out, totally supported everything I said. 
Are we still brushing our shoulders off? If not, whatever the equivalent is, picture me doing it right now. A guy sent Damon Young a question, basically, he had heard dating "horror stories" and wanted to know if women were expecting guys to take them on $500 dates nowadays like he had been told. 

I hope Damon doesn't mind the direct quote but here's what he said:
"My macking strategy a decade ago was to pull out my T-Mobile sidekick and hope she was impressed, so I can't imagine how today's dating scene must look to you [Is Damon a married man? More support for my position]. But fret not! Little has changed in the courting game, and you can still have a ton of fun without spending much money. But that doesn't necessarily mean going to Arby's. If you live in a city, there are always dozens of fun and relatively cheap events - gallery crawls, art installations, live shows, for example, and you can craft great get-to-know-you moments around them. Sometimes you can pack more than one in the same night. 
You just have to make an effort (And no sexting!)."

I'm going to go ahead and say this must have been a gift from Yahweh because after seeing Hussey's video and hearing the same type of garbage over and over again, between you and me, I was kind of bummed if this was indeed the case with today's man. I'm single again for about three months now and I have never paid for a first date, or any date with a man for that matter and I started to wonder if this was the reason my relationships haven't worked. I started to question myself, should I have offered? Should I ask if they want me to? Honestly, if this was the case, I wasn't sure how my story would turn out save for the grace of my Father. I'm a lady and I want a real man or no one at all. 
Like I said, it's not about the money, it's about the effort. And for the record, I have to make clear,
I'm not married or in a relationship so I'm not in the business of giving relationship advice either. I don't think you can give advice on something until it's in your rear view mirror, this way you can tell if you've done a decent job or not. Not everyone who is married is admirable either, make sure that those you listen to have been somewhat successful in their relationships. I prefer those with an upstanding spouse and a little time under their belt. But what I can do, I can... and most certainly will call out crap when I hear it. And if nothing else, I definitely how a lady likes to be treated, anyone other than that, I have no clue. 

I'm glad to know that Matthew Hussey and anyone who agrees with him are the exceptions and not the rule. And to the men I mentioned in my last post who provide great advice, Dr. Phil McGraw, Bishop TD Jakes and Steve Harvey,  I can add a new name to the list. Damon Young, you are indeed a "very smart brotha." All the best to you.

Sincerely, Helen Willis, The Zebress

Friday, November 25, 2016

Who Should Pay on a First Date, Matthew Hussey?

Sigh.....I like Matthew Hussey, I do. I have been following him on You Tube for a bit.  I was on the fence about him because he's not married and I tend not to take advice from people who haven't arrived where I wish to go. Would you take financial advice from a homeless person?
I was on the fence about Matthew after watching his video about the things never to say to a guy.
I found them to be a bit trivial and when I read the comments I saw that there were men and women who agreed with me. Most of the men who commented said that Matthew gives advice for women attracted to "beta" males. I was relieved this was the popular opinion of the men because I've always been attracted to "alphas."

That being said, I watched this video thinking this will tell me all I need to know about Mr. Hussey. First, it was labeled "Who should pay on the first date?" but the question asked was "Should a woman pay for a dinner date after four or five months of dating a man?" These are two different scenarios that likely made this question difficult to answer in the first place. It seemed like Mr. Hussey tried to answer them both at the same time.

Long story short, he felt like a woman should split the bill on the first date and maybe subsequent dates as well. Some comments were for, some were against. The "like" button seemed to indicate that most people were in agreement with Matthew. To me, this is not surprising given the status of relationships these days and the predominant type of man available (see my post on Sebastion Maniscalco's take on the modern man). I happened to notice the couple who live next door to me.
The man was walking behind his wife as she was carrying a big bag of garbage to the trash. Ummm ok. Then I noticed another guy leaning on the hood of his car talking to a woman while she was raking leaves. Ugh, I don't know about you but this kind of stuff is a turn-off, big time. And people like to blame it all on the feminists and men looove to bark about woman's equality, but only in this case.  For my vote, at home, you can negotiate your life as the two of you see fit, it's nobody's business. How many times do men mention they love a woman who can cook? Should this be an insult? I don't think it is. Then again, I can cook. Some men, like Hussey, and maybe women even associate a man paying for dinner a form of "prostitution." Wow. To equate buying dinner with sex is insulting and one sooo does not equal the other. Seems like Hussey is the one who has been "taught wrong." How old is this guy anyway?

My take? I'm glad you asked. I always say, when a man is robbed of the opportunity to be a man, he won't be one. For the love of Yah, I wish people would understand that paying for dinner is not about the money, it tells me whether or not you are or have the mindset to be my provider, my protector, my safe place, someone I can depend on. I am not your best bud, I will be more than that and offer you things I hope your best bud would never dream of. If you are serious about find love and not just finding some available tail. When a woman feels a man becomes all of these things, there is nothing he will want that she won't provide. Men think it's about being superficial, no we want to know that we are worth the effort. That we can depend on you. This is a good start.

I have to add, as a woman, I never ask a man to take me anywhere, but if he asked me out, he should pay. If I ask him to go somewhere with me, that's on me. Now don't get me wrong, I will contribute. When I went to my dates home for the first time, on our fourth date, I brought dessert, drinks, and snacks for his kids because he was making dinner. Then when I invited him to my place, I made a lobster dinner. He is from Naples, Italy and before Matthew I was under the impression that, generally speaking, European men have this old-school mentality that I love, the ones I've dated do. Apparently, that's not the norm.

And look, broke guys need love too right? jk. Seriously if money is an issue for you, find a more creative way to get to know your date. Try and be more creative...frozen yogurt, a picnic in the park or on the beach. If a woman does not appreciate this she might be superficial or at the very least immature. No one asked you to break the bank and if they do run for the hills. The truth is guys these days seem to be looking for ways to get in and get out as fast as they can (no pun intended) with the least amount of effort. If we are honest, this is what all of this is really about. And some women expect the least amount of everything making men think that this is the norm.

In our hook-up obsessed, sex on the first date society, people forget that dating is supposed to be a precursor for marriage. And marriages these days rarely work. I didn't say it, the stats do. Something is going terribly wrong. There's a reason why marriages are failing if they happen at all. Maybe, it's because people like Matthew Hussey are telling everyone that relationships are a "free for all." And what do you know, they like it. Sure if you want a hook up then yeah, you might get annoyed if you have to keep shelling out your hard-earned money for a series of booty calls.
But real men, take a page out of "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks' character said he could never ask a woman to pay for dinner and Rob Reiner's character said that women would "throw a parade" in his honor. Don't you want to be that guy? I would. Let me make clear, I'm only addressing and am willing to entertain the men interested in real relationships.

Look, Matthew is cute (he hates that), I think this is the reason women listen to him in the first place. That's why I did. I like his laugh and his accent is super adorable (he hates that too). But he should stick to decoding male behavior, I think that works best for him. As for me, I think I will stick to taking advice about men from married alpha, Christian men like Dr. Phil, Bishop T.D. Jakes, maybe even Steve Harvey; men who seem to know how to successfully manage a relationship with a woman. Cheers.

Check out the update to this post:
Random Thoughts on Random Thoughts by Damon Young of Very Smart Brothas

Sincerely, Helen Willis, The Zebress

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Loving Movie

Interracial couple Richard and Mildred Loving fell in love and were married in 1958. They grew up in Central Point, a small town in Virginia that was more integrated than surrounding areas in the American South. Yet it was the state of Virginia, where they were making their home and starting a family, that first jailed and then banished them. Richard and Mildred relocated with their children to the inner city of Washington, D.C., but the family ultimately tries to find a way back to Virginia. Loving Movie

I'm well familiar with the story of the Lovings (how cool is that last name?), it's a beautiful and inspiring love story. If you haven't seen their story before, this movie looks like it is well done and I urge you to go see it. Particularly if you have an interracial family but especially if you don't.
Be blessed.

Sincerely, Helen Willis, The Zebress